the role of the church

Christians are set apart by their love for Jesus and their love for each other.  Loving people is not a job only for the pastor, elders, and church leaders, but a privilege of each member of the church.

We have encountered some really wonderful people who have embodied the spirit of serving, giving and loving.  Once every three weeks, there was a teacher in our son's classroom that went out of his way to get to know our son- learned how he operated, what he liked, and what he disliked, and played with him on his terms.  As our son got older, he would peek into the classroom and refuse to go in unless "his teacher" was there.  We became friends with that teacher and his wife because of the love and compassion that was shown to our son. To this day, the teacher will shrug off what he did, because he was just being a loving teacher, but he doesn't understand that he was in the minority.  We have told him countless times how his kindness made a difference, but he will never truly understand the impact he had in our lives.  What if volunteers truly understood that what they were doing is more than just babysitting kids-they are ministering to those children AND those children's parents?  What if all volunteers would go the extra mile?

The church we attended at the time was rather small, but they did a bang-up job with the hooplah in the school-aged room with the lights and the music.  Our older kids LOVED it; our little aspie hated it.  We kept him in a younger classroom for an additional year; however, there was a huge age span in that class as it was and other parents began voicing concerns and asking that our son be moved to another class-for the safety of their toddlers-due to our son's size, not his temper.  When asked by the leadership to make that move, we transitioned him to the school-aged room, about half way through his kindergarten year.  Even though we had read him books and prepared him for what to expect, it was imperative that his brother always be grouped with him, which was kind of a burden for his brother who was just in first grade.  He attended that class a couple of times, each with some sort of "incident" where either they asked him to go on stage, he was accidentally hurt in the midst of a game, someone spoke to him too harshly, or the music was too loud.  He got to the point where he was afraid to go to church.  Even walking in the door would elicit such a huge reaction that one of us would have to sit in the car with him.  After a few weeks of sitting in the car, we eventually gave up on going to church all together.

It's hard when all you want to do is go to church like a 'normal' family.  It's also hard when you know in your head that your church can't possibly do everything necessary to accommodate your child, but you don't know what is reasonable to expect.

You can't expect the way the children's program is run to change.  Let's start with what is an unrealistic expectation...expecting everything to change to accommodate the needs of a few.  What your church is doing with their school-aged kids is intentional and works for most of the kids in the program.  The loudness, silliness, fun and games get the kids excited about being there, it motivates them to invite friends.  True, there are some children who can't tolerate lights, loud music, crazy games, etc; and if your children are one of those kids who aren't doing well, you can be a part of the solution.  Here are a few questions to ask yourself as to how you may be able to assist your church in helping not only your child, but other children with special needs:

• Have you communicated the needs of your child clearly?
• Have you worked with your child at home, reading social stories or explaining what will happen at church?
• Would you be willing to volunteer once a month in another area to free up a volunteer to work with your child?
• Would you be willing to put a sensory-friendly program in place for children who can't tolerate the music and lights?
• Will you take turns with other parents providing safe snacks?
• Have you given the leadership time to really address your concerns?

So what is fair to expect from your church?

• The leadership of the church should be willing to learn about your child and his/her needs and any concerns you have with the current programming.
• The children's area should be willing to listen to dietary restrictions and if there are any that are life-threatening, to remove those foods from the classroom.
• The leadership of the church as well as the children's area should work with you on being solution-oriented in making church days comfortable and inviting for your child.
• Volunteers in the children's area should be made aware of different children's needs and abide by any plan that may be in place for that child.
• The parents of the special needs child should not be required to stay with their child during service, nor should siblings be required to take on extra responsibilities for their sibling and miss engaging in their own learning.

If you have honestly given your current church a fair shake, perhaps it is time to look for a different church.  If you have decided that your current church isn't going to work for your family, this is what I would suggest...think about things like 'What does your dream church look like?'   'What are your wishes and wants for that church?'  'Are there areas that you are willing to compromise on?'  When we decided to go "church shopping,"  we wanted to make sure we picked a church that was a good fit for all of us (not just our special needs child), so we made a wish list that looked something like this:

• Active youth group comprised of children from our sons' school district
• Established non-denominational Christian Church-not currently in a campaign to raise funds for a building expansion.
• No-food policy in the kid's area
• Understanding of food allergies
• Low volunteer to child ratio
• Adult volunteers in each classroom 
• Contemporary Worship
• Pastor who was more fatherly than brotherly (we were looking for some gray hair, thinking that wisdom comes with age)
• Established special needs program

We found bits and pieces in each church we visited; if we liked one, we would go at least two times, and then decide if we were going back or moving on.  We found a church that we really liked and visited five times, but decided it didn't have enough of what we were looking for, and moved on to the next church.  We continued to "shop" for four months and were drawn back to that church we had visited more times than any other.  We now call that church 'home.'  There was not a single church that fulfilled everything on our wish list, and no church ever will be perfect.  What really drew us back to this church and what it comes down to are the people.  Do the people in the church love each other?  Do they go out of their way for each other?  Are they friendly to guests?  Do people notice when you miss a Sunday?  Once I realized that, I understood that everything else would fall into place.

Most churches genuinely want to show love to their members.  I'm confident you can find a place that will be just what you need for your special needs child, as well as the rest of the family.

Later this week, as I conclude my series on "what not to blog about", some very polarizing issues will be up for discussion-vaccination, school choice, and dietary intervention. I can't wait to hear your opinions.