special needs friendships for mom

I've already talked a little about how parenting a special needs child can change your marriage and your family, but what about your friendships?  Friendship is important for every mom, no matter who you are or who you are parenting.  Your family and spouse are great to support you, but you also need friendships, in addition to these other relationships, to fulfill your needs as a person.  According to research performed at the Mayo Clinic, friendships enrich your life and improve your health by increasing your sense of purpose and belonging, boosting your happiness, reducing stress, improving self-worth, and helping you cope with trauma.

I've mentioned before that I lost friends and isolated myself during our diagnostic process.  Upon first noticing that something is different with your child, your reaction is something very difficult to control.  When you are in the midst of getting a diagnosis, you are dealing with all sorts of feelings, and as you acclimate to everyday life of parenting a child that takes the extra effort, as most special needs children do, it is all consuming.   Relationships become less of a priority when you are just trying to get through the day, but they are more important to your health than ever during a hard time.

Here are some things that could change for you:

• You don't have time to make the phone calls you used to make
• It's not comfortable to go to the places you used to go
• You are too tired at the end of the day to go out with friends you used to enjoy spending time with
• Trips to visit out of town relatives that you used to make just seem impossible

One thing I notice, looking back, is much of the distance that I felt with my friends was largely self-imposed.  I was involved with a weekly playgroup when my third child was born.  I enjoyed the moms in the playgroup and some of them are still good friends of mine to this day; however, as my child got older and wasn't able to socialize the way the other kids did, or wanted to sit on my lap while the other kids played, it was hard for me to feel comfortable.  The other moms probably didn't think much of it, but I had quite the imagination for what they could be thinking:  

• 'Isn't she worried about her child not talking?' 
• 'Doesn't she wonder why all he wants to do is sit on her lap?' 
• 'Isn't it weird how much he cries?' 

I have no idea if any of the moms even noticed.  To be quite honest, when I would talk about what I was worried about, many of the moms down-played the symptoms I was describing, making me feel like I might be crazy to be so worried.  They weren't trying to make me feel crazy, they just wanted me to feel better.

I can recall a time when my child had a rash all over his trunk.  It was red, wasn't raised, appeared in perfect circles, and didn't seem to bother him; but my spotted baby sure did bother me.  He was probably around a year and a half when the rash first appeared.  The spots came and went for the better part of a year.  We probably went to the doctor about ten times over the spots.  Other doctors in the practice were consulted and no one really had an answer.  One suggested it could be a reaction to a food, but the others seemed to disagree with her.  As we got more desperate to find a way to make the spots stay away for good, we decided to try an elimination diet.  We didn't really know what we were doing, but I had it narrowed down to strawberries or wheat, so as long as we were avoiding those two foods, the spots stayed away.  

One day, after being spot-free for nearly three weeks, I went to playgroup at a mom's house that puts Martha Stewart to shame.  Her house is always perfectly clean and impeccably decorated, the unsightly baby proofing was no longer necessary as her children were a little older.  On this particular day, my child wandered away from me into the family room.  While he wasn't playing with all the other children downstairs in the play room, I called this progress and was just so relieved that he wasn't on my lap.  I kind of just let him do his own thing, checking on him periodically.  One time, when I peeked in the room to check on him, I found him happily munching on a bowl of potpourri. 

The hostess felt horrible!   I told her not to worry-I should have been paying more attention-and I really meant it.  A while later when it was about time to leave, I laid my son down to change his diaper and was so disheartened when I unbuttoned his onesie to see that the red spots on his torso had returned.  Only MY kid eats potpourri, only my kid gets spots, I began to silently cry as I finished the diaper change.  The other moms looked on like they didn't know what to do with me.  I was a mess over spots-and I'm sure my reaction didn't do much for making the lady who was hosting believe that I wasn't upset.  I went home and called poison control and was assured that the potpourri in question was not toxic and while not an authority on the subject of spots, the friendly operator didn't think ingesting potpourri could have caused a reaction as quickly as I had described.  I called my husband to tell him the spots were back and about our son's little smell-good snack.  My husband told me that it wasn't the potpourri that caused the relapse, but instead, he was fairly certain that it was the strawberry poptart that he had been allowed to eat for breakfast.  (For the record: I didn't not follow my marriage advice about not snapping at your spouse in this instance).

That was actually one of the last times I went to playgroup.  It wasn't that the other moms didn't want me there, or that they felt uncomfortable around me or my son, it was that I didn't want to be there.  Making the mental notes, comparing my son to other kids, having a list of worries in my brain a mile long, and having well-meaning friends tell me not to worry, it just wasn't fun anymore.  I would still go to girls' night out, and I truly did enjoy their company, but it just felt like I lived in a world that was a million miles away and that we had little common ground.

I felt like some of my best friends during this time included my child's psychologist, my child's social skills teacher, my child's Occupational Therapist, my child's pediatrician, my child's tutor, my child's speech therapist, and my Board of Developmental Delays Service Coordinator.  The stinky thing about those relationships, though, is that they aren't personal.  These people would go to great lengths to comfort me when it came to my child's progress, but weren't really available for chats on the phone when I needed to talk.  These people were not the ones I could go to and discuss marital issues or financial strain.  I needed true friends that cared about me-even if we didn't have special needs in common, who would be there if I needed to talk-even if they couldn't offer advice.

So here are some tips on how to maintain those friendships when you seem to have less in common than you once did (based on tips given by Gretchen Rubin who wrote The Happiness Project, adapted by me to fit a special needs parent's point of view):

• Be supportive when your friend has bad news-do not try to relate a story about when you got bad news, do not talk about your issues, listen to hers.  You aren't the only one dealing with "stuff" and you have to realize that no matter how big your stuff feels, her stuff feels just as big to her.

• Be supportive when your friend has good news-get over yourself and be happy for your friend.  People will stop sharing with you if you are always a wet blanket.  Also, don't always be the one with bad news.  You can celebrate small gains and your friends will be there to encourage you.

• Don't gossip; Do keep secrets-relaying news about a common friend's situation may feel like a way to connect, but in the end, you will end up with fewer friends and it will have nothing to do with who you are parenting.

• Don't criticize parenting, children, or spouses-period.

• Show up-nothing can replace spending quality time with each other.  You will send the message to your friend that she is still a priority in your life, even if you both have a lot going on.

• Use facebook, email, text or other social media to connect-it doesn't take long, but allows your friend to know you are thinking of her.

• Cut her some slack-and hope that she'll do the same for you.  We make allowances for those we love.

• Remember your common ground-this is probably not a forum where you are going to talk all about the cutting edge treatment you are trying.  You surely can mention it because it is part of what is going on in your life, but remember what you used to talk about, and remember that a conversation is interesting to both parties, and involves turn-taking.

One thing to remember is things do happen in friendships-not necessarily a falling out or conflict, but a drifting apart.  If you have tried to work on a friendship and it seems the drifting is happening anyway, you have a couple of options.  Go to your friend and let her know that you miss the closeness (it really could be that life has gotten busy and she didn't realize the distance).  The other option is sometimes painful, but perhaps your friendship has served its purpose and while you can still remain friendly, it may be time for a change.

Maintaining friendships once you are an adult is hard.  If you think your child may be a contributing factor to your changing friendships, just remember, true friends will stick with you and learn how to relate to your new normal.  You have more in common with a different group of people now, so new friendships may be on the horizon.  Treasure ALL your friendships, old and new.

Comin' Up: subjects that seem taboo (and I have so much to say!)

Wednesday - finances

Friday - religion

Monday - politics-special needs style