Advocates don't carry guns

Advocate (noun)-this is a person who pleads the cause or interests of another.
Advocate (verb)-this is the action of pleading or promoting the cause or interests of another.

I think when I say, "I'm just advocating for what my child needs" in a meeting, what they hear is "I have a gun, and I would like you to fill this sack with small, non-sequential bills".  Or perhaps they conjure up an image of Al Pacino playing opposite Keanu Reeves in the 1997 movie "Devil's Advocate".  I'm not sure, but somewhere along the line, the word advocate has gotten a negative connotation.  And just to be clear, I don't carry a weapon-EVER.  I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand and have the SWAT team take me out before my next IEP meeting.

Whether you view yourself as an advocate or not, if you are asking for anything outside the box, anything not given to every child that breathes, anything special or different, you are an advocate.  Get used to it; and now get ready for the truth...you are probably viewed as a troublemaker, high maintenance, unreasonable; your points are viewed as unfounded, illogical, irrational-no matter how much research you have completed..

When people talk to me about my children, they always say, "you're their best advocate" or "you do such a great job advocating for them".  Ok, well, thanks, but I would like to ask someone to fill in. I didn't apply for THIS job.  Why can't I just be a really good mom?  Why do I have to be the one that is viewed as crazy because I want what's best for my kids?  Why don't parents of "typical" children have to be advocates?  This is especially challenging for me, because I care so much about what people think-I want people to like me-and if they think I'm waving around a gun, demanding cash, and being unreasonable, they won't like me.  They will think I'm crazy.  They will refer to me as "that mom". (oh, you know the one)

I was baptized by fire into the parent side of special needs education.  I thought that if my kid needs help and has a diagnosis, I go to the school when said child is 3 years old and they will help.  (ok, stop laughing, that's really what I thought).  I had done a score of research on my child's diagnosis, I was an expert when it came to my child and what helped and what set him off; but I had never once thought to do research from the parent's perspective on what happens once you get through the doors of the school.

Granted by the time I approached the school with a child of my own, I had been a stay at home mom for 11 years, so some things had changed.  Plus, as an educator myself, I worked with pretty straight forward cases.   Child is deaf, child communicates using sign language, child needs an interpreter, tests in native language (signed to them), extended time (because signing takes time). Never did I hear the question "are they deaf enough to use sign language?"  "Do they qualify to use sign language?"  If they were fluent in sign, a decision their parents made somewhere along the line, they got an IEP.

Sometimes, I wish I had kids with more straight-forward problems. I don't want to hear "wait and see" or "not severe enough to qualify for help" or "falling into a gray area".  It makes my head want to explode.  Why can't you listen to my expert opinion as his parent?  Ok, so we all agree he needs help (yes), we all see that he is behind (or really far ahead) (yes), and we all are saying that he would benefit from help (yes).  So why aren't we helping him?  (because he doesn't QUALIFY).  That's like saying "your kid isn't deaf enough for sign language."

Wow.  hard to argue with that misconstrued logic.  So, in order to be a good advocate, you have to speak their language, know the law, know your child, and have lots of expert opinions to back up whatever you are saying (because you're JUST a parent).  One book that really walked me through my second meeting (since my first went horribly-more about THAT in another post) was From Emotions to Advocacy by Pam and Pete Wright.  You've probably heard WrightsLaw?  Same people.  Here's a link to their website http://www.wrightslaw.com/store/feta.html

So, let me encourage you, you are the best one to speak up for your child.  You are the expert when it comes to what he/she needs.  And you are qualified for this job of advocate.  Sometimes, things will go your way, sometimes they won't.  When then don't-take a moment, regroup, think of a new angle, and start again.  I honestly believe that a red flashing warning light goes off when I call any number in the district from my home phone.  Perhaps I do have the reputation of someone who is waving around a gun asking for the impossible, but at the end of the day, I can look at my kids and tell them that I did everything I could, everything in my power, everything possible to make sure they had a top notch education.  And if I have to be "that mom" to be able to face my kids, I will.

But also let me remind you that you catch more flies with sugar.  You are going to have to work with these same players for much of your child's school career.  You want them on your side.  You don't want to alienate them to a point where they think you are fighting to fight.  Go into a meeting with an agenda.  A list of "wants" if you will.  Also have with you the areas in which you are willing to compromise.  Some things you just can't take no for an answer; some things really would be nice, but not necessary.

I have a relationship with my son's school that is good.  I have good communication with his teacher and intervention specialist, but when we go to have a meeting, they call in the big dogs from central office (I'm not really sure if my gun toting got me the attention or what, but I'll take it).